1. I recommend that anyone reading this doesn't take it too seriously -- it's supposed to be funny. My apologies if my humor turns out to be a bit too harsh. Also, for the record: I have nothing against princes or guys in general. I just think the princesses in the fairy tales ought to have been given a bit more credit and influence, and not just sit there and wait for rescue to happen ...
2. I accept constructive critiques with pleasure, i.e. not just the bad stuff, but also some of what you liked -- or rather, not just saying you didn't or did like something, but also why you liked/didn't like it.
3. I apologize in advance if someone loves fairy tales and doesn't like to see them in a form of parody -- if that's the case, I advise you not to read this, since it's 100 % parody, plus my personal views on the typical fairy tales.
4. Please don't claim this as your own work here or on another site. I'm all for being an inspiration, but don't copy my work word for word. Also, you may post this somewhere else (if you really like it that much
), but please ask me first and link it back to me.There. That's about it, so if you're still reading, thank you and please continue.
A (more) realistic fairy tale
by Lana B.
by Lana B.
Yes. I know what you're thinking. A fairy tale can't possibly be realistic, right? Well, I'm
sick and tired of all those sexist tales that only display the princes' strength and leave all
the princesses to swoon at their manliness as they ride off into the sunset. So here's my
attempt at a more realistic tale.
A very long time ago, when adults had nothing to do but make up these twisted tales
that poison the minds of kids worldwide, there was a castle. A decent one, in which a
slightly nutty king and queen ruled. Why nutty? Because these two had a pretty, young
daughter, whom they decided to lock in a tower, to keep her from dallying with knights and
to make sure all suitors prove their worth before marrying her.
And so, this poor princess was locked in a tower with a huge lizard and a bat. No, not a
dragon, which is incidentally a mix between these two, but simply a lizard and a bat,
named Nightmare and Doomsday. The poor princess was bored out of her mind, because back in
those days, books took a hell of a long time to write, and her kooky parents thought she
was reasonably happy crocheting and staring out the window, so they didn't send her any.
Any kid dreams of having a pet, and she did too, but she wasn't fond of either lizards or
bats, so that wasn't really an option either. Besides, where would she keep it, right?
The princess was kept alive by the servant whom her parents sent with her. This servant
was shy and never spoke to the princess, and she was so timid that she obeyed the king
and queen mindlessly when they told her not to let the princess out at any cost. The
servant planted a vegetable garden and brought fresh vegetables for the princess to eat
every day -- which was why the princess never lost her slim figure, despite being locked in
for years.
Of course, one might wonder where she got the protein she needed, but that was well
taken care of, because she ate soy and beans and peas along with other non-protein
veggies. And then, the other question arises: if this way before Columbus, because people
in Columbus's era didn't lock their daughters in towers anymore, how did she know beans
and peas? And where did the soy come from?
To that I answer: details, details. This is still a fairy tale, so smaller miracles are allowed.
Back to the princess. In order to keep her figure, she also ran up and down the stairs for
exercise.
Because she was so bored and used up all the threads for crocheting early on, she
exercised a lot. As a consequence, she was muscular and even lovelier than her parents
remembered her to be.
She solved other, more immediate problems in many ways; because there was no
running water in the tower, the servant had to bring her buckets filled with water from a
nearby river for the princess to wash in. The non-existent toilet problem was solved by
'going' out the window. As for brushing teeth, there was coincidentally some wild mint
growing nearby, so the princess chewed that.
Years passed. She grew from a teen into a beautiful young woman. (A/N: it should be noted that not all princesses were naturally beautiful, but that doesn't mean they weren't pretty in their own way. Our princess simply had the luck of being pretty, as well as confident.)
Psychologists nowadays would wonder how she managed to get through her 'difficult' years without a parent
to talk to and confide in, but she was the type of teen who liked solitude (whether or not
that's because she had no other choice is a matter of discussion), and confided into her
stack of parchment, on which she wrote all her thoughts and feelings.
At around the same time, a young prince was growing up in the neighboring kingdom.
His parents decided to not lock him in a tower, 'for he would one day have to prove his
valor in rescuing a fair maiden from that fate' ... or perhaps it was simply because he was
a boy.
Anyway, that prince grew to the age of adulthood -- in that country, that meant being 18
years old. On his birthday, his parents gave him a brand new purebred horse -- the
equivalent of today's Mercedes convertible -- and told him of the trial he now faced: he
was going to be king someday, and every self respecting king has a wife.
The prince's father whispered that any self respecting king also had a mistress, but his
wife heard that and nearly lost it, so the king apologized and the conversation continued in
a solemn tone: "Yes, son, you must find yourself a wife. But because these are turbulent
times and sparks of war are threatening to ignite an inferno, you will marry the princess of
our neighboring kingdom. To prove you have the guts to live through marriage, you will
have to rescue her from a tower."
"Oh, great. I'm really looking forward to that. Is she hot, at least?"
So much for the solemn tone ...
But hey, the kid wanted to know if she was worth the trouble. It was a completely
sensible question (at least from his point of view). However, the queen didn't think so. She gasped and nearly blew her top, so
the king tried to calm the situation.
"Son, you should love your queen even if she isn't pretty. It can work. Look at your
mother and me!"
That was it as far as the queen was concerned. She turned around and marched off,
furious.
So, after some persuasion, the prince set off on his journey. The biggest pain in the neck that he
encountered were some bandits, but because he was royalty and had been training with his
sword since the age of ten, he beat them easily. As he neared the tower, he was half
anxious, half glad that the stupid trip was finally over. He got to the foot of the tower and
knocked on the door. The servant opened it and nearly fainted when she saw him. She
was told a prince would come for her lady one day, but it was still a shock. The prince
looked her over and decided she was alright, but wanted to see his 'future queen' before
using any of his 'manly charm' on this meek girl.
"Yeah, hi, I'm here for the princess. Is she up there?"
The servant only nodded and took the reins of his horse as he dismounted and ran up
the stairs. He pushed the door open and interrupted the princess right in the middle of her 'scribble-down-my-thoughts session'. She got up, eager and furious at the same time and
he could finally get a good look at her.
He stared.
She was shapely, yet slender (the running up and down the stairs did it's job ... as did
the veggies) and pretty with her long dark brown hair falling down her back and her big
and slightly narrowed green eyes with long eyelashes, and the small nose and the gentle
pink mouth ... First impression: succeeded. His first thought was: I'm not gonna need a
mistress with this babe as my queen. Then he noticed that she was actually saying
something and tried to pay attention.
"...ho are you and what are you doing here? Are you the prince who's supposed to save
me? Have you saved me yet? Have you met Doomsday the lizard and Nightmare the bat, the two
creatures you were supposed to beat in order to get to me?"
He shook his head. "I didn't see any bat or lizard. The only thing I met was your servant.
But yes, I am a prince -- your prince, and you are my princess now." He grinned at that
and pushed his blond locks out of his grey eyes, so that she could get a good look at him.
She blushed as he said she was his now. But it was a blush of anger. "I'm not YOUR
princess. I'm not ANYBODY'S princess. You men think you're so clever, but you will treat
me as a human, not as a possession. Understand that, you fool?"
He stared. Nobody talked to him like that. This was going to be troublesome. Maybe he
would get a mistress after all. Someone who would appreciate his blond hair, his grey
eyes, his freckles and his toned body. As he tried to put those charms to work, she
gathered all her crocheted work and her dresses and walked right past him.
"The only reason I'm going with you at all is that I'm sick of this tower," she said, not
even sparing a glance at him. He growled in frustration and ran after her. He grabbed her
by the hand, spun her around and planted a kiss right on her angrily parted lips. She
fought against him for a while, but as all teenage girls deprived of peer male company
soon discover, she was longing for that in her fantasies and soon began returning his kiss.
Happily ever after?
'Fraid not.
They got back to his kingdom and got married, which delighted both their parents and
her servant, who was glad to finally have another place to be in, better than that crummy
tower which has been used for many princesses over the years and was slowly falling
apart. But the prince and princess soon lost that initial interest in one another, and he
turned into a lazy bum who only thought of his looks and cared about impressing women
who weren't his wife, and she turned bitter after seeing she lost all appeal in his eyes after
she bore him three children and gained some weight. That's how most non-thought- out
marriages go, don't they? And as the cycle must continue so that the kids don't run out of bogus
stories to listen to, the couple sent one of their daughters to be locked in a tower and await
the man of her dreams ... or is it nightmares ...
And you'd think the princess wouldn't allow it after experiencing it herself, huh?
The end
sick and tired of all those sexist tales that only display the princes' strength and leave all
the princesses to swoon at their manliness as they ride off into the sunset. So here's my
attempt at a more realistic tale.
A very long time ago, when adults had nothing to do but make up these twisted tales
that poison the minds of kids worldwide, there was a castle. A decent one, in which a
slightly nutty king and queen ruled. Why nutty? Because these two had a pretty, young
daughter, whom they decided to lock in a tower, to keep her from dallying with knights and
to make sure all suitors prove their worth before marrying her.
And so, this poor princess was locked in a tower with a huge lizard and a bat. No, not a
dragon, which is incidentally a mix between these two, but simply a lizard and a bat,
named Nightmare and Doomsday. The poor princess was bored out of her mind, because back in
those days, books took a hell of a long time to write, and her kooky parents thought she
was reasonably happy crocheting and staring out the window, so they didn't send her any.
Any kid dreams of having a pet, and she did too, but she wasn't fond of either lizards or
bats, so that wasn't really an option either. Besides, where would she keep it, right?
The princess was kept alive by the servant whom her parents sent with her. This servant
was shy and never spoke to the princess, and she was so timid that she obeyed the king
and queen mindlessly when they told her not to let the princess out at any cost. The
servant planted a vegetable garden and brought fresh vegetables for the princess to eat
every day -- which was why the princess never lost her slim figure, despite being locked in
for years.
Of course, one might wonder where she got the protein she needed, but that was well
taken care of, because she ate soy and beans and peas along with other non-protein
veggies. And then, the other question arises: if this way before Columbus, because people
in Columbus's era didn't lock their daughters in towers anymore, how did she know beans
and peas? And where did the soy come from?
To that I answer: details, details. This is still a fairy tale, so smaller miracles are allowed.
Back to the princess. In order to keep her figure, she also ran up and down the stairs for
exercise.
Because she was so bored and used up all the threads for crocheting early on, she
exercised a lot. As a consequence, she was muscular and even lovelier than her parents
remembered her to be.
She solved other, more immediate problems in many ways; because there was no
running water in the tower, the servant had to bring her buckets filled with water from a
nearby river for the princess to wash in. The non-existent toilet problem was solved by
'going' out the window. As for brushing teeth, there was coincidentally some wild mint
growing nearby, so the princess chewed that.
Years passed. She grew from a teen into a beautiful young woman. (A/N: it should be noted that not all princesses were naturally beautiful, but that doesn't mean they weren't pretty in their own way. Our princess simply had the luck of being pretty, as well as confident.)
Psychologists nowadays would wonder how she managed to get through her 'difficult' years without a parent
to talk to and confide in, but she was the type of teen who liked solitude (whether or not
that's because she had no other choice is a matter of discussion), and confided into her
stack of parchment, on which she wrote all her thoughts and feelings.
At around the same time, a young prince was growing up in the neighboring kingdom.
His parents decided to not lock him in a tower, 'for he would one day have to prove his
valor in rescuing a fair maiden from that fate' ... or perhaps it was simply because he was
a boy.
Anyway, that prince grew to the age of adulthood -- in that country, that meant being 18
years old. On his birthday, his parents gave him a brand new purebred horse -- the
equivalent of today's Mercedes convertible -- and told him of the trial he now faced: he
was going to be king someday, and every self respecting king has a wife.
The prince's father whispered that any self respecting king also had a mistress, but his
wife heard that and nearly lost it, so the king apologized and the conversation continued in
a solemn tone: "Yes, son, you must find yourself a wife. But because these are turbulent
times and sparks of war are threatening to ignite an inferno, you will marry the princess of
our neighboring kingdom. To prove you have the guts to live through marriage, you will
have to rescue her from a tower."
"Oh, great. I'm really looking forward to that. Is she hot, at least?"
So much for the solemn tone ...
But hey, the kid wanted to know if she was worth the trouble. It was a completely
sensible question (at least from his point of view). However, the queen didn't think so. She gasped and nearly blew her top, so
the king tried to calm the situation.
"Son, you should love your queen even if she isn't pretty. It can work. Look at your
mother and me!"
That was it as far as the queen was concerned. She turned around and marched off,
furious.
So, after some persuasion, the prince set off on his journey. The biggest pain in the neck that he
encountered were some bandits, but because he was royalty and had been training with his
sword since the age of ten, he beat them easily. As he neared the tower, he was half
anxious, half glad that the stupid trip was finally over. He got to the foot of the tower and
knocked on the door. The servant opened it and nearly fainted when she saw him. She
was told a prince would come for her lady one day, but it was still a shock. The prince
looked her over and decided she was alright, but wanted to see his 'future queen' before
using any of his 'manly charm' on this meek girl.
"Yeah, hi, I'm here for the princess. Is she up there?"
The servant only nodded and took the reins of his horse as he dismounted and ran up
the stairs. He pushed the door open and interrupted the princess right in the middle of her 'scribble-down-my-thoughts session'. She got up, eager and furious at the same time and
he could finally get a good look at her.
He stared.
She was shapely, yet slender (the running up and down the stairs did it's job ... as did
the veggies) and pretty with her long dark brown hair falling down her back and her big
and slightly narrowed green eyes with long eyelashes, and the small nose and the gentle
pink mouth ... First impression: succeeded. His first thought was: I'm not gonna need a
mistress with this babe as my queen. Then he noticed that she was actually saying
something and tried to pay attention.
"...ho are you and what are you doing here? Are you the prince who's supposed to save
me? Have you saved me yet? Have you met Doomsday the lizard and Nightmare the bat, the two
creatures you were supposed to beat in order to get to me?"
He shook his head. "I didn't see any bat or lizard. The only thing I met was your servant.
But yes, I am a prince -- your prince, and you are my princess now." He grinned at that
and pushed his blond locks out of his grey eyes, so that she could get a good look at him.
She blushed as he said she was his now. But it was a blush of anger. "I'm not YOUR
princess. I'm not ANYBODY'S princess. You men think you're so clever, but you will treat
me as a human, not as a possession. Understand that, you fool?"
He stared. Nobody talked to him like that. This was going to be troublesome. Maybe he
would get a mistress after all. Someone who would appreciate his blond hair, his grey
eyes, his freckles and his toned body. As he tried to put those charms to work, she
gathered all her crocheted work and her dresses and walked right past him.
"The only reason I'm going with you at all is that I'm sick of this tower," she said, not
even sparing a glance at him. He growled in frustration and ran after her. He grabbed her
by the hand, spun her around and planted a kiss right on her angrily parted lips. She
fought against him for a while, but as all teenage girls deprived of peer male company
soon discover, she was longing for that in her fantasies and soon began returning his kiss.
Happily ever after?
'Fraid not.
They got back to his kingdom and got married, which delighted both their parents and
her servant, who was glad to finally have another place to be in, better than that crummy
tower which has been used for many princesses over the years and was slowly falling
apart. But the prince and princess soon lost that initial interest in one another, and he
turned into a lazy bum who only thought of his looks and cared about impressing women
who weren't his wife, and she turned bitter after seeing she lost all appeal in his eyes after
she bore him three children and gained some weight. That's how most non-thought- out
marriages go, don't they? And as the cycle must continue so that the kids don't run out of bogus
stories to listen to, the couple sent one of their daughters to be locked in a tower and await
the man of her dreams ... or is it nightmares ...
And you'd think the princess wouldn't allow it after experiencing it herself, huh?
The end
So ... your thoughts? ...=D
